101 Ways to Tell if You Are Living in Utah and Not From Utah

If you are not from Utah, you know Utah is a weird place. Where else do you see real estate ads like this?

Utah Ad

Outside of Utah, this would be an ad for a hospital ward.

My roommate and I compiled this list after I came home from a frustrating grocery store trip. Utah, why don’t you sell Prusciutto??? She and I are from the East Coast, so some of these may only apply to East Coast Mormons living in Utah.

You Know You Aren't From Utah When...

1. You are disgusted by the size of the deli at the grocery store.
2. You have never seen so many blond people before in your life.  
3. Any drive longer than an hour is unbearable.
4. You cry into your pillow each night for the lack of trees.
5. Macy’s is a department store…not a grocery store.
6. You think DI means District Investigator.

   

   DI: District Investigator

7. You have never heard of Downeast Basics, Mikarose, or any other brand at the BYU Bookstore.

   

   Does not exist outside of Utah...

8. You laugh every time someone uses the word “flip.”
9. You can’t get over how the mountains are the tallest things here.
   
10. You just want people to say “mountain,” and not “moun’ain.”
11. You are extremely disturbed by how nice everyone is. It really is freaky.
12. You are surprised every time you hear someone make a Book of Mormon reference.

    

    ???

13. You are more surprised when people actually get it.
14. You almost ask people what their religious beliefs are.
15.  You start explaining General Conference to people before you realize they already know what it is.
16. You don’t realize at first that when people say someone was “stoned,” they mean that people threw rocks at them until they died.
17. Your high school health class was very different from everyone else’s.
18. You are shocked at how everyone gets married so young.
19. You are even more scared that it could happen to you.
20. You ask “What for?” when people apologize after they swear.
21. Suddenly a family of 6 is a small family.
22.  You get really excited when you meet another Mormon, but then suddenly you are like “Wait a minute…”
23. No one back home knows who Imagine Dragons are.
24. You start telling someone about music and they ask you, “Is it clean?”
25. You have never heard so many scriptural pick-up lines in your life.
26. You have never heard so many pick-up lines in your life.
27. You are amazed people actually use pick-up lines.
28. You are more amazed that people think they work.
29. You are stunned if they actually do.
30. You’ve been to Starbucks more times than all of the Mormons in Utah, combined.
31. You are unsettled by the lack of coffee shops.
32. You pass a junkie restaurant and the cigarette smell reminds you of home.
33. You tell people where you’re from and they are always stunned and say, “Wow, that’s far.”
34. What Utah people call rivers you call spilling a glass of water on the table.

    

    If the highway is wider than the river, it is not a river.
    This is not a river.

35. Your friends could count the number of black people in their high school.
36. Your friends are all white, but speak 60+ languages, and that's as diverse as it gets.
37. A “pre-mi” is not always a baby.
38. You have a heart attack when you turn on the radio on a Sunday and hear EFY music.
39. The woman on the radio mentions the prophet, and you die.
40. The woman on the radio closes the traffic report with "In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." (Link here: http://www.dooce.com/audio/fm100.mp3) No one would understand that back home.
41. You can never understand how the streets work.
42. Why are there never street names!?
43. You are shocked by billboards with scriptural or Mormon references.
44.  Driving is hazardous considering how shocked and confused you get.
45. People accidently use sexual innuendos and you get it, and no one else does, and it’s just really awkward for you.
46. People accidently use drug references, and you laugh, but everyone is just super confused and you feel awkward.
47. You are amazed how innocent people are.
48. People deny how innocent they are. You just laugh.
49. You had no idea that there was a missionary mall and you have a hard time believing that anyone goes there.
50. People think Salt Lake is a city, and you’re just like no, no it’s not.
51. You are terrified by the snow and think it might eat you.
52. You are the only one of your friends who sprains their ankle because of the snow.
53. You don’t understand how people drive in the snow.
54. You have never heard of a MAV before in your entire life.
55. You can’t believe that MAVs exist, and laugh every time you see one.
56. It is disturbing when people aren’t rude to you.
57. You think, “DON’T GO WITH THEM!” when nice people giving directions say, “I’ll just take you there.”
58. You have never climbed such a high mountain before in your life.
59. Your Utah friends don’t think the Appalachian Mountains are mountains.
60. Even the Graffiti is Mormon.
    
61.  People think Las Vegas is “close” to Salt Lake City.
62. You have a bad taste in your mouth from reading #61.
63.  People think that Victoria’s Secret is a den of iniquity instead of a place to buy bras.
64. When people talk about doing shots, they are talking about caffeinated soda.
65. They take it as seriously as if it were real shots.
66. You hear people talk about their past caffeine addiction, and laugh instead of sympathise  Then they get really offended and you try to feel bad but can’t.
67. You know more swear words than anyone else you know.
68. People think you’re a celebrity when you tell them you’re in the background of one the “I’m a Mormon” ads, and that’s pretty weird.
69. You don’t understand when people don’t get your own cultural references.
70. All of your uncles and aunts are older than you, your siblings, and your cousins. You are alone in this.
71. Family reunions back home consist of maybe 30 people, and it’s a big family. You are alone in this too.
72. You were the designated driver in high school.
73. People think you know Utah geography. You don't. 
74. Your picture of Jesus hangs above your sports team poster and everyone makes an apostles joke.

    

    This is actually hanging in our apartment. Insert apostles joke here:

75. People call the train “the metro.” You laugh. It’s not a metro. There are no escalators.
76. You are amazed that there are actually stores that sell modest wedding and prom dresses. You kind of want to go in one even though you are not engaged and out of high school.
77. When you go with a group to do baptisms, you find it strange that no one gets double suited.
78.  Conference is a holiday weekend, and that’s pretty funny.
79. People get offended by your clean language. This is the same language you got made fun of for using back in high school. 
80. People actually went to their high school’s homecoming and prom, and, unlike you, didn’t stand in the hallway the whole time.
81. You learn that a date doesn’t mean you’re dating. This is very liberating for you.
82. You also become aware than you suddenly can’t hang out one-on-one with a member of the opposite sex without it being considered a date. This is very frustrating to you.
83. You find out that “The Holy War” is between BYU and the U of U, not Israel and Pakistan.
84. You really don’t care about The Holy War.
85. You are the only one has eaten food with alcohol (i.e. rum, vodka) flavoring, and even though the alcohol cooked/burned out, people still think you’ve broken the word of wisdom.
86. This is the only place that you see ads to help you overcome not your smoking addiction, but your porn addiction.
87. You somehow aren’t surprised when you find out that Utah has the highest gap in wages between men and women.
88. To ask someone out in Utah, a person would stick a hundred plastic forks in their front yard. Back home, this would be considered vandalism.
89.  People think “Italian Bread” is same as the white bread you get at Subway. You are offended by this.
90. You don’t understand why there are so many Polynesians here.
91.  For once in your life, when you tell someone you’re Mormon, they know what that is/don’t ask how many wives your dad has.
92. Watching a Disney movie becomes a make-out session. This is very odd to you.
93. You can’t understand how girls out here complain about not finding modest clothes at the store, because where you’re from, you actually can’t find any modest clothes. Seriously, Utah girls, where are you shopping?
94. It’s strange to live around so many Republicans.
95. You have never heard of a NCMO before in your life.
96. You can always tell when someone is from Utah. People from Utah can’t understand this.
97. You roll your eyes when people talk about how there are so many nonmembers in Utah. These are the same people who went to seminary during school hours and not at 5 in the morning.
98. Most of your friends’ parents are still married. That’s weird.
99.  Out here, people go out and volunteer in the community because they want to, not because their parole officer told them to. That’s pretty strange to you, and those are the kind of people you would instinctually avoid.
100. You find out that to “heart attack” someone is not an attempted murder.
101. You will find this list funny, but your Utah friends will not find this list funny. Instead, they will be really confused.

Pass this on to your friends and feel free to leave suggestions in the comments section!